There comes a time in a woman’s life when she makes the decision to become something bigger than life. Bigger than her job, than her friends, than her family, than herself….by actually creating a life. Not to go off on some awkwardly feminist tangent, but as a separate thought, I am not sure why we fight so hard to be thought of as strong or independent when in 9 months we create a human being….but yet, it’s a man’s world?
[Stepping off of soap box…]
Much like my wedding, that I already had…I feel selfish wanting not only another wedding…but another child. My daughter is 5. Those of you who know me are under this forced impression that I a) never wanted any children to begin with; and b) am fine only having one…you know my motto…”one and done.” Has anyone ever stopped to ask me why? Has anyone ever bothered to delve in to my actual thoughts or at this rate compulsive obsessions to look at random baby pictures, baby items, baby announcements, or try to understand why I am probably going to have an emotional break down going to the Gap tomorrow as I will inevitably (more than likely purposely) walk past the baby clothes?
I don’t have another child, I have not given my daughter a sibling, nor have I welcomed a second baby in to the world because society would most likely cum bust. I was knocked up once…without a full time job…without a husband…without a home…without a support system consisting of more than two friends. I was looked down on by people I went to HS with, people who I thought were my friends. People at my job, trained social workers, thought I was society’s trash. It turns out that after the novelty of having a pregnant friend worse off, after all my friends rubbed my stomach for their own selfies and FB posts, after my friends actually started settling down and having children of their own…I was kind of just brushed to the side. It was like I was not worthy any more of a phone call….it was my job to stay in touch….you know, with all the free time I had struggling as a new mother, a single one at that, with a full time job, and no idea what I was doing. I mean, don’t get me wrong…I was given a lot of advice and told I was doing things wrong by plenty of people…but in the end…the people who were there petting me in the beginning were absent after my daughter was born.
Like I said, she is five. I stayed in this pseudo-functional relationship for years after I gave birth to protect her from whatever harm could come her way. I was afraid that if I left her alone with her in-laws or her father, that she would grow up to be like them…and I am not faulting anyone for the way they were raised (or weren’t raised…), I just had more aspirations for my daughter. I loved her too much to allow her to be mistreated even if it was the only way they knew how to love her. So, I put myself in harms way multiple times and waited until she was old enough to identify how she felt. In 2014, I asked her father to leave. It was time.
But, with that, went the possibility of having a second child. See, I always thought those couples who have two children and are already in this tumultuous relationship are crazy. If you couldn’t handle being together with one child, why have a second? Why raise two children in chaos and dysfunction? As I sit here, on a Friday night, with my daughter peacefully sleeping in the other room, Mr. Grey out with his friends…I can’t help but lament about this with one of my friends, Beth, who is in a similar situation.
And for her sake, my sake, and anyone else going through this forced struggle to remain powerless to procreate….here goes:
Dear Society,
How dare you dictate what I do with my uterus. That got your attention, no? Women have been fighting this fight, to keep Roe v. Wade active so that we can maintain control over our uterus, over our reproductive rights. I am one of these advocates. I used to escort young women and their uteruses (uteri?) in to Planned Parenthood when they were having services provided to protect them. I signed bills, mailed letters, outreached, advocated, and provided therapy to women who exercised their right to choose.
I fight for women all over the country to have a say in keeping or terminating a pregnancy. So, why do I neglect myself? Why do I neglect my own needs, wants, or desires? Who is my neighbor, my family, my friends, social media, to tell me I am or am not crazy for wanting to have another child? Why, because I am not married? Because I am going through a divorce? Because who would the father be? Because then my daughter would have a half sibling? Because then I would probably be on welfare as I don’t make much more than minimum wage? Because my relationship with Mr. Grey is far from stable?
Why is it that these things define being a parent? Why do I need a father around? My daughter has a father and a lot of good that is doing her right now. Why do I need to be married? Show me a journal article, peer reviewed, that demonstrates a correlation between childhood happiness and married parents. In my studies, I learned that children are happy based on if their environment is happy, and why would having a second child make my daughter’s environment less than what it is now? Why would it make her unhappy? Especially, since she continuously asks for one.
You know what defines a parent? Responsibility. Love. Selflessness. Bravery. Patience. Strength. Wearing your heart on the outside of your body and forcing it to beat even at your weakest moments because you know someone else needs it more than you do.
That is what being a parent is. Putting another human beings needs before your own. And if I am putting my daughter’s needs before mine…why in the hell is society even factored in? Why are you involved in my decision making at all? Why do you get to have a say or get to influence my decision to choose to have another child?
So, what I am saying is, society, kindly go fuck yourself….and you best use protection because god forbid you procreate…..right? How ridiculous does that sound?
Best.