Approximately two weeks ago I had an overwhelming premonition. I convinced myself there was no way it could be true, based off of the timing of good ol’mother nature….but that little voice in the back of my head shouted ever so loudly, “You are probably pregnant.”
Giving this some thought and trying to calculate the possibility it is slim. Just to give you TMI, I had my little joyous friend on or around April 21….it was over by my birthday April 28th. I celebrated by having big fun as anyone would. That following Tuesday, Cinco de Mayo….my boss made a comment about the size of the girls. A typical statement for a hit on your assistant kind of day….but a truthful one. They were starting to feel swollen, like how I feel when I am PMS-ing. Now, I know the P means PRE and all….but May 5th? That is a whole lot more than just pre. That is like holy shit this is incredibly early WTF is happening.
I ignored it. I figured it was too soon to pee on a stick and too soon to bombard anyone else with my insanity. The days went on and the girls felt worse. Swollen, tender…large. My stomach bloated. I thought: SHIT.
I also had to take in to consideration that I had been drinking frequently that week….and by drinking I mean sipping on a beer for 4 hours and trying not to feel drunk. But I craved alcohol…something, you will know, that I craved during my first pregnancy. Weird fact # 1.
The second weird fact is that the weekend before my boobs felt tender I craved ice cream. I am allergic to ice cream. I don’t have the enzyme to break down the protein in milk or any of its products. But, nevertheless, I walked to Carvel with my daughter, got a small serving size of cake batter and chocolate covered brownie…and devoured it. Not only that….but then I ate dinner…and was fine. No stomach pain. Weird fact # 2…when I was pregnant with my daughter I was able to digest milk with no problem.
There are some ancillary facts, like the first time I was pregnant my parents went down to visit my brother in Maryland and when they came back up I told them. My parents went down to Maryland Wednesday and are on their way back up now.
I have been temperamental and crying non-stop, but then happy and over the moon within the same breath.
I am exhausted.
The only thing keeping me positive is that I feel all crampy and my stomach is killing me. Smells aren’t bothering me yet. But my anxiety regarding the situation is intense. And for what reason?
I am 33 years old. I am an awesome mother. I have two master degrees and a professional license. I have a full time job that pays over ten thousand more than I was making working in non-profit. What would society’s problem be if I were to have a second child? And why is society even a factor in my decision?
My parents would disown me. Mr. Grey would never sleep with me again. And my world would have to be transitioned….but my daughter would have a sibling. Why does society have to punish me for possibly entertaining the idea of having a second child? Why does society say that because I am not married, and well not even divorced yet…have only known Mr. Grey for six months this Saturday….have no future plans of getting re-married and if so, have no future plans of this happening with Mr. Grey (not a mutual decision by the way)….oh and am still leaning on my parents financially. But who is society to dictate when I can and cannot have a child?!
I get all the red flags. I understand how ludacris it is to think that I may be pregnant and am not freaking out (primarily because I did that all last week and a little yesterday…mainly when Mr. Grey told me I was kind of glowing and made mention of my ginormous side kicks) because there are so many odds against me. But, I am healthy, I am stable, I am a good parent. Mr. Grey is an excellent father and while he would probably not want to co-parent at any point because the idea of me being pregnant would be enough for his own parents to disown him, his ex/current wife to have a nervous break down, and probably commit his own self in to an institution….he would be a great dad once he calmed down from the shock of it all.
I told Mr. Grey this morning, after waking up to this horrible feeling in my stomach (no, not morning sickness), that I wouldn’t make this his problem. Later while on the phone made reference to something my boss implied, like is Mr. Grey going to ask if he is the father or not considering we aren’t really together, and Mr. Grey said, “wow, I didn’t even think of that…is that why you told me you wouldn’t make it my problem?” Keep in mind he did not address that statement when I made it this morning, so I either didn’t think he heard me or didn’t think he cared. I said “Yah, that is what I do…I just invite guys over to my house to bed me with my daughter there.” He said “Well, why not?” C’mon guy…read the blog!!!!
My friend assures me that I am not pregnant…that I am being paranoid. And hopefully she is right. While I don’t feel it is fair that society can dictate how I feel when I am ready to have a second child…I can see their point. But, at the same time, and I am willing to defend my own points in that I can do this alone. I can do this by myself. That I would love it. Minus the whole having to explain to everyone my whoreish story. Yes, would I make for an excellent made-for-tv episode on what not to do that could then be broadcast to every high school student? Most definitely. But, it would work out. It always does. If there is something that my father taught me, when I was pregnant the first time…it is that “things always work out the way they should.”
Maybe my daughter was destined for a sibling. Maybe when she was blowing on that wish flower the other day this is what she requested. She told me she couldn’t tell me because then the magic wouldn’t happen. Maybe I could chalk this up to some kind of phantom immaculate conception.
Either way….I am hoping that my friend comes out to play…on time!!!