I would just like to clarify my hiatus and say this: Mental health months.
To update, since you are all eagerly anticipating some sunset horse run with a Prince Charming….Mr. Grey and I are still friends….with I am assuming benefits? But after the bomb I just dropped on him, verdict is out.
Here is what I have learned since my last post in June:
- I am still as strong as I thought I always was….
- The FBI really do come to your house in an unmarked car, in black suits
- I am so not cut out for corporate life
- It is not a double edged sword to see the good in people, rather solely a curse
- I can’t help but giggle when I give people sound and respected advice and then watch while they ignore my pleas for their sanity and fail, then wonder why
- I am a New England girl at heart
- I will forever be single.
It is a sad day in a woman’s life when they recognize two things:
a) their life is not a made-for-TV-movie with Hollywood lights and makeup, edits, and re-shoots
b) their dreams of being re-married and happy in a stable loving relationship are shattered by reality that they will forever be alone…like Lauralie from Gilmore Girls.
Maybe it is not fair to expect to be married again. Maybe it isn’t fair that I am choking back tears while eating my salad just in case Mr. Forever is waiting outside the office building for a serendipitous meeting. The truth of the situation is that my ex-husband, the man who hated me more than he hated himself, is more than likely going to remarry and have more children…because that is how it always goes. That my daughter will have half-siblings she will be forced to love every other weekend and split holidays with. And, despite my reluctant encouragement, she will be taught it is okay to love her step-mother, who will undoubtedly be the fun parent, in comparison.
I may seem bitter, or cynical, or even a little complacent when I make the bold statement that, I don’t believe there is someone out there for me. I believe that we meet people based on where we are in life. In this difficult, chaotic, and emotionally overwhelming time, I met someone…who I may or may not be in love with…who honestly, does not care. Which isn’t surprising since we all know we accept the love we feel we deserve. I feel like I am not deserving of a half eaten piece of bread (yum, carbs!) because I have been through hell in back over the last year; however, I do feel that I should be loved. I mean, who am I to not be? And why is it so difficult for me to find someone that I am compatible with? All this loneliness and emptiness is only reinforcing that I don’t deserve to be with anyone. The logical part of my brain is screaming at the emotional part, that this is not true. Yet, I can’t help but begin to believe it. It is as though I am learning to be unloved by being unloved. Similar to learned helplessness….I am learned unloved.
Let me quickly review the men I have so haphazardly allowed in my life:
Eddie – high school sweetheart…used to yell at me, tell me I was no good, emotionally abuse me, and cheated on me with the woman he later married and has two children with;
Don – friends in high school, dated one of my best friends at the time, but when they went away to college they broke up…the summer going in to sophomore year we got together…tumultuous relationship with a foundation built on lies, deceit, and marijuana….he cheated on me…relentlessly;
Frank – huge crush on him in high school, later became friends. He was dating a girl significantly younger than him while in HS and then when he went to community college. When he wasn’t with her he was with me…let’s just say that. We never were official, but we danced the pseudo friends with benefits denying in love with each other dance from 19 yrs old until I was 24 years old…..he may or may not have been the one who got away;
Don – I decided to recycle him just because he promised me the world, said he wanted to have a family with me, and was in love…with cheating on me;
Bill – We dated briefly. He was never really in the relationship as his father died after having been sick for a year with cancer, two weeks before we met. We worked together, so it was incredibly awkward after I found out that he did, in fact, as suspected, cheat on me with a coworker;
Philip – We started off in love, in this romantic made-for-tv-movie cliche. And what I love about these romantic comedies is that they ride off in to the sunset and this is where the movie ends because if it didn’t you’d have to explain to the bank why there was no return on profit as nobody wants to watch a movie that remotely resembles real life. That meaning, date for 3 years, one of which may have been good, only to knock me up while going in to our fourth year, feel forced to get engaged and married, move in with his mother, to move out twice in to two different apartments with a child under 4 and enrolled in my second master degree program, while working a job as a social worker dealing with actual life threatening problems and limited to no support from anyone, including the father-to-be. Get married, separate after a year and a half and are now in Family Court and Supreme Court where there is a judgment against him for unsigned divorce papers….that was a waste of 8 years;
Patrick – I dated this gem right after my marriage crumbled to the ground (not before, or during). He unfortunately had some issues he was working through that may or may not have ended with an arrest. Desperate times called for desperate measures…i will say this, he undoubtedly loved every broken piece of me, quite possibly more than he loved himself, which is both endearing and unfair;
Doug – He was a one month relationship that ended with an 8-page please love me hand written letter….as I type these blurbs of my pathetic life out I am starting to realize how Karma may have won this battle;
Tommy – Another pseudo friend thing turned in to lustful events of sheer and utter pleasure…but I just couldn’t do it;
Mr. Grey – we met while I was technically with Doug (again)….and Doug may or may not have witnessed us sharing our first and probably last kiss. [Hi Karma! Thank you for the lesson, consider it learned!] I quickly found out that Mr. Grey was still in love with his at the time ex-girlfriend…which he had an affair with while married to the mother of his two young children. Yet, despite friendly advice, the bat signal pointing to another neon electric sign screaming RED FLAG, and consciously having to calm every loud and obnoxious plea for a trip to the hills that occurred in my brain…I broke it off with Doug (it would have ended anyway) to be with Mr. Grey. Or what it does or doesn’t mean to be with Mr. Grey.
The part that is the most irritating throughout all of this is that I give advice for a goddamn living. I would tell someone in my situation to focus on themselves. Focus on learning how to be who they are and work on fixing everything that someone else broke for them. Work on repairing their destroyed heart. Work on becoming the best parent ever, one who is a positive and strong role model for their young and impressionable daughter. Instead, I am ignoring all sound advice, from not only my own brain but my dearest and most loving friends ever (Hi Beth & Shelly!) and continuing full steam ahead.
Bringing this back, seeing the good in people is just a curse. I see Mr. Grey’s potential…and maybe this is what keeps me around. Maybe the sex is just that good (sorry mom)…maybe for the first time I am able to feel like myself because I know he really doesn’t care. Maybe because in the last 10 years I have been disappointed by people who prematurely promise me the world. Maybe because all I really need right now is a friend. Someone who I can grow with. Someone to support me. Someone to be there for me in the way I cannot be there for myself.
Then enter the romantic part of my brain, the part that I purposely put cobwebs in front of to forget about….the part that can’t help but glance at everyone’s left hand just to see how many happy people there are. The part who cannot resist the urge to mock the very idea of marriage. The part who cannot keep the disgusted look off my face when I find out people are in love, as if there is such a thing! The part who secretly wants to just be held by someone who loves me unconditionally. And then in come these stupid tears that I continuously choke back because I don’t deserve to even cry.
I believe even the strongest of people would have broken down long before me. Today, I decided though, that I give up. I can no longer fight the good fight. I am just going to act how I want to act and if it is reciprocated, than so be it. If it isn’t than at least nobody can say I didn’t try. But what I can say, is that being alone sucks. That looking in to the holiday season, alone, again, with nobody to ring in the New Year with is utterly miserable. It is a horrid feeling, especially since all I want to be is loved by someone. At this point, by anyone.
Truth: To admit defeat; To be honest with myself that I am ready for love. To love and be loved.
Dare: To act as though I can continue to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders, with limited help, if any, to show my daughter that being kind and courageous is all we can really do.
*Hopefully something changes…or someone gets their shit together.