It amazes me how after receiving my bachelor degree, where I dual majored in psychology and sociology….then got a master degree in social work…accrued my hours to take a state test to become licensed to practice psychotherapy privately…and then in the middle of all of it, completed a second master degree program in industrial/organizational psychology…I still sit here and struggle to establish some form of complete emotional connection with Mr. Grey.
Or…do I?
The greats say that an emotional connection forms when two people feel deeply about each other. Shocking. With that said…when he hurts I hurt and when I hurt he hurts….evidenced by our constant need to help each other through our own demise. With men though, it is somewhat different. They show their emotional connection through actions versus discussion. A woman feels validated and cared for when we hear “I love you,” “Great job,” “You are the best,” or some sentiment of poetic justice. A man shows us he loves us or cares for us or thinks of us when he does things. For example…I said, “I wish my grill was over there, it would give my daughter and your boys so much more room to play with chalk on the patio, and would make more sense spatially.” With an injured back that he was complaining about non-stop, and while I was running down towards the other end of the yard acting like a Zombie with our children…I looked up from my artificial death and saw that he was moving the grill. Before doing this of course he said “it’s on wheels!” and gasped in shock as if to say do it yourself. I reminded him that when my ex-husband lived here he wouldn’t let me touch the grill so because of the backlash of touching it, to me, it was hands off. Even if that was silly and times changed, etc. I was uncomfortable touching it.
Elle: 1; Mr. Grey: infinity and beyond.
I know that I often complain to my friend Beth about Mr. Grey or to my boss…and how can I tell if he likes me, blah blah blah….but what if all while I am wondering if he does I am missing out on the moments when he is showing me how much he does.
Take for another example….Mr. Grey is coming with me to see Ed Sheeran tomorrow. I. Am. So. Excited. My rational for taking him was that he makes me feel calm. I have yet to experience a panic attack in a crowded place with him, something that I cannot say for anyone else who has ever accompanied me to anything with more than 10 people. Even now during staff meetings I get a little awkward just because that is who I am. He told me though, Mr. Grey, that there was no way in hell he would go. Rightfully so. I would not want to go to some awful show with him either…even though I am so much more laid back than he is…but if it was something that was dreadful…no way. I would still go though….because….wait for it….I care. And where is he going? To the concert.
Now, this concert did not come about just so easily. It wasn’t like he protested and I said convincing words and then he said okay. It was more like, “Come with me, please? I won’t be anxious if you go and I get so anxious and you keep me calm and I will owe you one….” And he said “No.” Then, he realized I was exceptional at writing papers. Research papers. It’s a talent I have that I love…and would have done for free. However…he capitalized on this. He said “I will even go to the concert with you if you do my paper for me and get an A.” #Bam.
So….this is how the date came about….or event, rather. And he has complained about it since multiple times. To all of which I have ignored.
Want a third example? He smiles a lot when I talk to him. And when he is vulnerable and drunk or hung over, or sick and tired, or his muscles ache from sports/exercise (wow, he sounds old and pathetic!) and I rub him or hold him or lay with him…..he smiles. His heart races a little….and I hold my breath….and we kind of sink in to each other and then his heart slows, my face stops glowing red….and we are at ease. It is really weird.
Going out on a limb that he feels any of this at all…I may very well be the only one….this all may be one sided….but it isn’t.
Which brings me to my point. The first one…which will undoubtedly bring me to my second. He cares for me and we are emotionally connected.
Here is my point. Where in life does it say that we have to be anything other than just emotionally connected? Why do we have to be boyfriend/girlfriend? Why do we have to be classified dating? Why do we have to get engaged, married, or all that jazz? Why is that societies focal point? Why is our dating status or marriage status the end-all be-all to the way we are classified by society? Name me five people you know who are married. Name me five people you know who are in love.
My friend Beth, for example…she is married…and in love…but not in love with whom she married. Judge all you want…we always ridicule things we can’t understand. But put yourself in her position. Put yourself in my position. Put yourself in Mr. Grey’s position. Put yourself in Mr. Politician’s situation. We are all in these unhappy marriages that society forced us to be in love with….we realized we were not meant to be with said person we married because we found the person on the side. And whether we are with those people still or not is not the point…the point is…marriage is not the end all-be all. It does not force you to stay in a joint relationship. It’s actually quite the opposite. If I never got marred I may be in a better place than I am right now. I never wanted to be married. I don’t think my friend Beth wanted to be married. I know Mr. Grey did not want to and I know Mr. Politician (I will introduce him formally at some point) did not want to be married either. And what do we all have in common? Side pieces. And how happy are we when with said pieces? ECSTATIC.
And why is that? Because there is no pressure. There is no element of commitment other than we know that the other person is the person we want to be with. And isn’t that commitment enough? Isn’t that the idea behind a marriage? That you want to spend the rest of your life with that one person? It doesn’t mean that these players involved are unable to make a lifelong decision to never be with anyone else as they have been so foolishly conditioned to think….it just means that the person they are stuck with is not the person they want to be stuck in.
This ties in to my whole concept on FWB. There is no harm…only win-win. Will feelings ensue? For sure. Is there a chance one can get hurt? Of course. But….taking the pressure off the couple by removing the status and what the status symbolizes….will help enhance the connection. It will allow the other to feel comfortable breaking down the walls because the other one is encouraging of an emotional connection. Wrecking ball? No. But gradual and slow at a steady pace? Yes.
I often find myself having inner chats between what I think and what society makes me think. To feel anything other than accepted in my situation seems wrong. I found a friend. I found someone who makes me feel important because they think I am important. They are repairing my ability to find peace within myself. Which is something my daughter so desperately seeks. This man, Mr. Grey….is becoming a role model of what my daughter should seek in a man. He is helping me put my life back together in the sense that I am arguing less with everyone. I am finding it okay that he is introduced as my friend…because that is what he is.
Society, take a moment to go fuck yourself. I am not going to let you influence me or force me or coerce me in to labeling what me and Mr. Grey are. I am going to kindly ask you to take a back seat and stop demanding that I fill in some little bubble on a questionnaire that determines how my life will be judged. I am happy. Aren’t there books written about how to achieve that? Don’t you mass produce drugs so people feel euphoric effects of that? You know what makes me feel my best? Mr. Grey, myself, my daughter with our feet up on the coffee table and Big Bang Theory on in the background. Laughing…together.
That is a connection.