Once upon a time there was this magical land where after answering a few questions the internet Gods would shoot Cupid’s arrow in to the ass of our soul mate. The Prince Charmings existed only in profile pictures and well thought-out bios, the damsels in distress were more common than a second date, and the evil step-sisters lurked behind each “i’m a down to earth and honest person looking for a relationship” profile description. Online dating shortly became the Never Land of misfit singles.
My friends and society talked me in to joining while I was technically still married to my husband (now, ex). I answered each question the site asked as authentically as I could, but couldn’t help manipulating some of my responses to further censor their perfect matches. Within moments, after uploading a picture, I began getting “hits.” Typically from people I wouldn’t give a thought to based solely on personal appearance. I know that makes me sound awful, but I was born and raised in Nassau County…I’m far from a snob, but I’m not null and void from materialism.
My first experience with online dating led me to a casual conversation with Mr. Business. His responses were pleasant, kind, warm, and predictable. Nothing wrong with that, right? Unless…well, unless you are me. I played the game, said all the right things in return, and…avoided a date for as long as I could until the text messaging and phone calls ceased.
Then there was Mr. Abs. He was you stereotypical “selfie” internet dater. He posted inappropriate and often explicit pictures of himself without a shirt. Not that I was complaining about the view, but I mean, c’mon. This isn’t one of those sites where you can see someone’s location and know that if they are within a 2-block radius you can solicit them for sex. Either way, I entertained it. We went on a date, even. The entire time all he did was talk about his ex-girlfriend whom he cheated on, but still loved, and then how he is serial dating everyone on the internet, only to fuck them, so that he can feel validated for his ex leaving him. Like angry sex sessions was not one of my hobbies. Nor was being a conquest. All things I told him, after reminding him I am a therapist. I was literally sitting there wondering how I was going to get back to my car without this guy going blind rage on me all while reminding me how great his abs were…as if that was my kryptonite.
Shortly after reminding myself and the Internet cupids that I prefaced sanity over physique, Mr. Business reconnected with me. Having distanced myself from him for a few months…he decided to reach out to me out of nowhere. I entertained it further than I did the first time, and we dated…or fell in love…depending on who you ask…for 2 months. In his defense, falling in love off these sites is easy. The entire purpose of their grand marketing scheme is that you are lonely, you are desperate, and you believe that you will find your soul mate within the allotted 6 months…or your money back guaranteed. So, naturally, power of suggestion makes you ignore all the red flags you see. Now, prepare yourself for total confusion when I list his red flags:
- stable employment
- home owner (well, studio apartment co-op owner)
- normal group of friends
- Giants/Yankees fan
- close with family, but not too close that his mom would despise me
So…my problem was that he was also all of these things:
- possessive
- rigid
- over analytical with no background of analysis
- judgmental
- incapable of expressing emotions/feelings
- limited communication skills
When he found out that I was seeing my ex-boyfriend (not from the Internet) he flipped out. Why? We weren’t together. We weren’t exclusive. He would go to his ex-fiance’s house once per month and limit our phone conversations while on his way there and on his way home, because he would have to return “their” dog. Then he would compare it to “well, it’s like your ex-husband spending time with your daughter.” Uh, no. After he badgered me with how horrible of a person I was, I reminded him that we really weren’t together and shared with him all the blatant reasons why. He brought up the outings we went on, the excursions we shared, and our “cute” little conversations. I reminded him that he was overly obsessed with his dog, not over his ex-fiance, and rigid to the point of a personality disorder. That prompted him to show up at my house one day, uninvited, with an 8-page (4 pages front and back) hand written letter on old school loose leaf, professing his love for me. Telling me that he went to his grandmother’s grave and spoke to her about me. I know that I am a horrible person for finding humor in this situation, but c’mon. We dated for 2 months…why would you hand write in a note that you are going to marry me. You don’t even know me.
After speaking with several other guys, none of which whom I met, and doing the “I’m lonely dance,” with a guy friend-turned-psuedo-boyfriend and my ex-boyfriend…I spotted someone on the website. He was out of my league for a variety of reasons…mainly relating to looks. Personality wise, based off of his totally guy-written profile, I met my maker. He seemed to have the competence to be on my level intellectually (he actually filled out the ‘last book read’ with a current and known title), he was sarcastic and dry in a way that related to the tone in my profile and thus, my life, and he oddly enough was from my hometown. But, “who is he?” was the question!
Hoping that he would check who views his profile, I left it at that. I continued to filter through the typical recommended people (I am such a snob!) and wondered what it would be like if I was a newly single and didn’t have the Internet to browse all of these ridiculously corny men fighting for their fairytale ending.
[1/5/2015]