There comes a time in every woman’s life where we admit that we secretly long to fall in love like these beautiful imaginary creatures do in movies. The unconditional, haphazard, by-chance love that romantic comedies thrive from. You know, like when Harry met Sally….or that scene with Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake….or with Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher….get my comparison? The ol’ Friends With Benefits idea that society has instilled upon us to be this taboo topic. This forbidden fruit in the love department. But…look at why marriage lasts…because the couples become friends.
Today, on Sesame Street, my new five year old is learning about Friends Day. Apropos right? Who doesn’t wish at times that they lived with their best friend? Think about your bff…someone who is there for you, who accepts you for who you are rather for who they want you to be, who understands that this is you! and who does not care that this is you! Someone that understands your a little crazy, but the good manageable kind. Someone who knows exactly what to do when you are happy, sad, mad, glad, or even acting bad! Sorry, Sesame Street is contagious.
But, how simple would life be? Like a heterosexual life mate? Sounds amazing right!? So…what better thing than to fall in love with your friend! Isn’t that what a soul mate is anyway? “A person with whom one has a deep or natural infinity.”
Well, until both you and your soul mate are aware that you are in fact, each others’ soul mates….it is probably important to establish ground rules to prevent the ol’fall in love-a-roo trick. You know that sneaky little emotion that creeps up on you when you least expect it (or are planning for it). Unless your timing is impeccable, and we all know mine is not….the whole “let me fall in love with you, Mr. Grey, even though I know full well that you are afraid of me because I am someone most guys want to commit to. I mean, seriously. I went on a date with Mr. Business…and it was love at first sight for him. He claimed this to be true in the 8 page, hand-written, double sided, proposal he handed me one hot day last summer. I met my ex-husband in April and by April he was professing his love for me. Shit, the Dunkin Donuts server this morning told me I made his heart skip a beat and that I frazzled him and made him all nervous. Which ordinarily I probably wouldn’t believe, except he gave me the wrong coffee. And on a side note…what the hell is with Splenda? It taste like chemicals. Dear Society, when you wonder why the ADHD, Bipolar I and II, Spectrum, and every other mental health disorder is on the rise….think SPLENDA.
Anyway, I am the type of person people tend to fall in love with because I have this curse of accepting people for who they are, not for who I want them to be. And typically, this is all people need. Someone to accept them unconditionally. I am, unfortunately, waiting for it to be reciprocated, but I think I am closer than I ever have been with this whole Mr. Grey, let’s take things extraordinarily slow…realize I am not going to hurt you, he is not going to hurt me, dance we are doing, and then fireworks.
In the mean time…the back story to this blog….I invited Mr. Grey over. Things started getting really weird between us. Like, he started pulling away. We actually got in to our first fight last week (Tuesday….hate Tuesdays)….and I cried. I know, I know right! Like tears. fell. down. my. face. In front of another human being. Magical. But seriously, for no other reason than he started feeling trapped because I was harassing him about my birthday. When I found out this was why he was backing away, I casually reminded him…after bribing him to come to my house to even have the “talk,” that FRIENDS celebrate FRIENDS birthdays!!! And, weren’t we just FRIENDS? While having this conversation with him, and rehearsing silently what I was going to say to him since jump….I let him in on a little trade secret for those who want to date, but the idea of commitment literally makes them sprint in the other direction, Gump style.
There was this guy…we can call him Mr. Deli (ha…hahah). Well, Mr. Deli and I were friends for five and a half years. Sometimes we were friends who saw each other naked in extremely vulnerable positions…other times we literally were each others shoulder to cry on. Mr. Deli was the type of person who know me inside and out for more than one reason. A) We were undoubtedly in love at most points of our pseudo-relationship; B) I think we coined the phrase FWB because that was what we convinced ourselves we were; C) If it wasn’t for his need to hate himself and fear the idea that someone could accept him, we would have rode off in to the sunset of sheer magical, fairytale wedding-style bliss. But, for this blog’s sake….we were friends. To compare our relationship to something more familiar…I was Carrie Bradshaw, and he was Mr. Big. Something would always bring me back to him…it would never take too long…and when we’d get back together, it was as. if. we. never. left. each. other. Enter climactic drum roll….he married the other Kate, a woman he met shortly after I had my daughter.
The point of introducing Mr. Deli to the mix, is that we had rules. Our rules of engagement were simple.
1. Be honest….in regards to feelings.
2. We are not each other’s side piece. If we want to explore opportunities with other people, it is to be discussed prior to, to allow for the other person to decide if they want to continue with this FWB arrangement.
3. If we go out, have a one time ONLY hook up, we are to use protection, and NEVER SPEAK OF IT AGAIN. This is to protect against looking like a fool in front of the other’s friends/family/etc.
4. We cuddle, we kiss, we go on dates. Why? Because it is fun. But when we do these things, they are always in private.
5. We celebrate each others holidays, birthdays, special events, but do not purchase presents for each other….except for that one Christmas, when things got weird.
*These were the rules that I so graciously shared with Mr. Grey….who was on board with them. I distinctly remember him saying, “so, main rule, no side chicks…got it.”
Here are google.com’s version of Friends With Benefits Rules of Engagement. [By the way, I love how when I google friends with benefits rules, it comes up 13 Friends With Benefits Rules for Women….as if we need the rules….just saying!]
1. Be honest
2. Speak your (sex) mind
3. Groom yourself as if he were your boyfriend
4. Ensure you are emotionally ready
5. Practice safe sex….always.
6. Keep your eyes (and heart) open for new relationships.
7. Do not have sleepovers.
8. Do not cuddle.
9. Do not expect bells and whistles.
10. Do not be clingy.
11. Do not introduce your friend to your parents or other family members.
12. Do not get mad if he meets someone else.
13. Do not leave the bedroom.
Ha…um…well….let’s see…..cross out #1 through oh, I don’t know….13? Okay. See….I am not honest…as I have feelings for him. I am not honest about what I like in the bedroom, other than I like that we have sex….I don’t always shave my legs because I feel like if we are just “friends” why the hell should he care? My friends wouldn’t… Neither one of us are emotionally ready…which is why this is becoming a clusterfuck. Safe sex? Sure! Like I mentioned before, I basically told him the other day that if he wanted to date someone else or entertain the idea of dating someone else he had to tell me before it happened….so he responded with “okay, no side chicks.” I said “exactly.” Like what? No side chicks = commitment, but what do I know right? Um, his STUFF is at my house. Not like a toothbrush…like a toothbrush, a razor, his shower gel, a wash cloth, two pairs of underwear, two pairs of socks, two t-shirts to sleep in, a pair of basketball shorts, sweat pants, and a sweat shirt. So, um, not sure how to categorize that in the rule book. Especially since right now, his car is in my driveway and he is in the city, and his OVERNIGHT bag is still on my floor….oh AND I just put his clothes that he wore yesterday IN my laundry to WASH. Right. So, back to this list….um…He sleeps over…so we cuddle. All. The. Time. Not mushy…just like lay on top of each other on the couch….at his house…in front of his kids…at my house…in front of my daughter. Right. So, next….he is sending something to my job tomorrow for my birthday….right…and he took me out to celebrate my new job….NEXT! He met my mom, dad, all my neighbors….he met my DAUGHTER….um, I met his mother, father, and CHILDREN. His CHILDREN met MINE. His MOTHER met my PARENTS….and my FRIENDS. Because you know, I invited his two boys to my daughters fifth birthday…ha. I already told him I would get mad if he met someone else and basically not to look for anyone else…he said “so, no side chicks?” And leave the bedroom? We go to track together with our children, we go out to eat occasionally, we go places, like Atlantic City together. He invited me, pending we are still talking, to MAINE WITH HIS FAMILY. His ENTIRE family for ONE WEEK in AUGUST.
But, we are just friends. We actually had this conversation on Thursday….as in like four days ago. That we would just be friends…because things started getting weird and I know that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me because he makes comments all the time about how I am his “friend” or “my friend” or “tell them we are friends.” I lied to him though, and told him that I told my boss he is my boyfriend. And he said, so what, I don’t care.
Oh, wait….he has a key. Ha, yes, I keep forgetting to tell people that when I try to find some guidance on my situation. He. Has. A. Key. to. My. House. Right. A. Key.
And….I asked him to move in to my basement apartment-ish, to determine if we can live together under the same roof as ROOMMATES, who sleep in the same bed, but have separate rooms….right….because neither of us can afford to live alone. And I don’t want to sign a lease with him if after a month he is moving out.
So, waiting to see how much longer it will take before I can update my social media sites to say “in a relationship.” HA!
[4/27/2015]