eye tunes

Sara Bareilles is probably one of the most passionate song writers I have encountered thus far.  Not only is she incredible with a pen and paper, but the music that she produces and writes to match the lyrics are amazing.  With that said, she tends to help set my mood for the day.  Feeling bogged down with uncertainty in this insane world where I am living, what with federal agents, a failed marriage, single-parenting, and trying to be useful at my job…a field I know nothing about…and seem to have all this time to type up blogs (love it!)…I sometimes need to be grounded.

Today is one of those days.  I had a miserable night sleep…so did Mr. Grey….and my daughter.  We all tossed and turned intermittently and apart from each other.  My daughter did not fall asleep until close to 11PM, and with good reason….there was just something off in the house.  Like an element was missing.  Mr. Grey attributes this to his nonsense that he creates in his head.  You know, where all of his special thoughts come from.  It is like he needs constant redirection from himself.  Like when he gets too far deep in to his own thoughts he loses himself.  He falls in to this black hole of despair and self deprecation and honestly, it is annoying.  I know I can get him to retreat from said hole…but it takes a lot of work…and sometimes, I wonder if it is worth it.  Like what am I gaining by having him back in conscious form?  It’s not like we are together.  It’s not like I reap the benefits of having him sane.

Anyway…so, Ms. Bareilles writes, “Only thing I ever could need only one good thing worth trying to be and it’s love…” then she says, “but save your resolutions for your never new year’s there’s only one solution I can see here…love you’re all I ever could need only one good thing worth trying to be and it’s love, I do it for love, oh only gonna get what you give away….love.”

And, why not?  Who doesn’t want love?  Well, Mr. Grey.  Mr. Grey is undeserving of love in his mind.  And when he starts to feel attached he breaks away.  Part of me wonders why I never picked up on reasons for this before….channeling Bowlby and how the bonds of early child rearing can form a person’s basic instinct when it comes to being loved and giving love….it’s no wonder I couldn’t crack the code earlier.  Unfortunately…the information I have on Mr. Grey and his foul mouthed thinking….is limited.  It is not enough to understand how to condition him or reverse the effects so that he can feel better not only about himself, but about this idea that he is worthy of love.  He feels that like anything he touches or loves turns to shit.  I know something happened to him when he was in his mid-teens…but unsure of what is making this mystery difficult to crack.

Getting back to the matter at hand…there has to be something I can do that is neutral enough where regardless of what happened to him, he feels safe and comfortable with me by his side.  How he makes me feel.  Which is, safe and comfortable, when I am by his side.  Or when I know he is there.

Here are some stone cold facts:

He likes me enough to put up with me for this long.  He cared for me once when I was ill and once when my daughter was sick.  He puts himself out there just enough to let us know that.

He supports me.  He calls me on my shit in a way that is not provocative as others tend to be….but in a way that doesn’t sugar coat anything either.  He appreciates that there is a naiveté about me and respects that, but pushes me to stop being so nice.  He understands and acknowledges that people mistake my kindness for weakness 9 out of 10 times and protects me against that in things he requests I say to people, mainly my ex husband and my boss, sometimes even my parents.

He believes in me that I can do all these crazy things.  He never laughs at me (not to my face anyway) or snickers behind my back at how childish or lame my ideas are.  He respects what I say.  He asks me for my opinion and honestly wants just that.  He pushes me to be a better version of myself by doing this.  He asks me for help.  He then adheres to my advice.  But, mainly, he believes in me.

He knows that I am damaged and he doesn’t try to fix me.  He rather, accepts me as I am.  And while it seems like I am trying to change him or make him un-damaged, I am not…I am just trying to give him a chance at what we all deserve, which is to love and be loved.

He pokes fun at me…the way kids do on the playground.  Need I say more?

He comes to me for comfort.  And I go to him for comfort.

Frankly, I have never been able to say these things about anyone else…other than…the one who got away.  And maybe, maybe it was for the better?  Maybe this guy, Mr. Grey, is a better version of that one person.  Maybe this time I am deserving for him to stick around…instead of running off with some other girl named Kate.   Ironically, I am now plagued by girls with my name….ha….thank you universe for reminding me there are things bigger than me out there.

To be honest though…I wish I could say some of these things to Mr. Grey without him falling apart.  Let’s attempt this….

Dear Mr. Grey,

By now you’ve probably realized the lasting effect you have on me.  When you feel something I unfortunately feel it way before you even react to whatever it is you are feeling.  There was a moment a week ago where you looked into my eyes so deeply that I naturally wanted to look away, but held the glare for moments longer than I was comfortable with just to see what would happen.

The proof is, you didn’t turn to stone and I didn’t turn to dust.

I think what keeps happening is you want me to be there for you in this way as you always wanted your best friend or your wife to be there for you, but them or her…whomever, was incapable.  See, you are not an easy person to deal with emotionally.  You want a lot of people to comfort you, but you intimidate them simultaneously to fear you out of protection for yourself.  I know that I won’t hurt you because I don’t want to, not because I can’t.  I think this makes you uncomfortable because part of you wants to know why you deserve for me not to hurt you…and the answer is simple:  Because I care about you.

I like the way you make me feel…even when you don’t make me feel good.  It isn’t a scary hurt or pain or fear as others have done to me.  It is a sense of calm.  You make me feel calm….which is bizarre beyond belief because nobody in their right mind has ever made me feel this way.

They say that love doesn’t hurt…that it is supposed to be this emotional bliss that people are only lucky to feel.  That poets and artists try to demonstrate through their work.  Something that exists only in movies under Hollywood lights….a fallacy if you will.  Now, I am not saying that you came in and swept me off my feet…no offense.  But you definitely came in and swept me off my ego.  You demonstrated to me that it is possible for a man not only to listen to a woman, but to hear what she is saying and to understand.  You reminded me that I am important.  You reminded me that I am worthy of some kind of love…even if this is the best I am going to get for right now.

But now, where do we go from here?  I am in this constant state of tight rope walking this fine line between lovers and friends.  Which I ordinarily do not mind as it takes the pressure off of either of us to mess up….however…some form of decision should be made, I am guessing…especially since he is moving in.  Like, perhaps next weekend.

I kind of feel like a broken record…a broken mp3?  An i-tune if you will.