Dear Abby,
I am writing to you on behalf of the psychosis eating away at the better part of my brain. See, it all started when I decided to stop looking for happiness and let it find me. With that, I met a man….the rest should be history; however, it may be that the timing of this “hello” was anything but convenient. The circumstances under which I met this person involve two ex-spouses, three ex-significant others, and three children. While Noah’s Ark is currently full with all of this excess baggage, I cannot help but think that if nothing else, this person has taught me that I am a significantly patient person.
My daughter, one of the three suggested above, started kindergarten this year. As this is not about her, nor should it ever be when it comes to my dating life or lack thereof, I couldn’t help but feel a twinge of jealousy with every mother-father combo that showed up during back to school night. I can’t help but continue to further that jealousy towards my current significant other for attending his own child’s (one of the three listed above) back to school night when my ex showed no interest in coming to his own daughters. I mean, is it really my fault that my ex-husband was unaware that it was back to school night? No. There is this thing called the internet that against all better judgment lists days and times of activities occurring at every elementary school in probably the entire world. Pedophiles unite!
So, that is the first issue. The second issue that I am contending with mounting uncertainty, is the fact that my alleged boyfriend saw his ex-girlfriend on Friday. Not only on Friday, but during his sister’s mock engagement party that I was not invited to. And the mere shady factor increases when you take into consideration the fact that he sent me a text message prior to arriving that he was nervous his ex girlfriend would be at the bar. While I have outside confirmation that that was no prior knowledge of her being there, I cannot help but feel uncomfortable believing him when he says he did not hookup with her. Or when he says that he did not invite her to a second bar that his sisters were no longer at. Or when he says that he does not want to be with her…and not in the long term…just in the ha I got you and now I am leaving you term vs. what happened, which was she left him.
The problem with dating someone like me, is that I am not a banker. I am not in finances. I am not in advertising, nor am I in real estate. I am over trained for every position out there currently in the field of behavioral science. I can read people on an intuitive level. I recently purchased a book called, “How to Analyze People,” within the first 10 pages I highlighted an entire paragraph that I used for my second dissertation for my MA in I/O Psychology. What good either of these degrees are if I am sitting here during normal business hours blogging, is beyond me. But, what I do know, is that based on key facts that I have learned through all my years of school and a decade working with people, is that, I can tell when they are lying. There are tells that people have, most, if not all…even the sociopaths. They are difficult to spot first hand, and it is highly probable that you will get away with lying to me in the beginning, especially since I take everyone at face value. But as time goes on and your secrets come out and your body language becomes relaxed and begins to show discrepancies between what you are verbally saying versus what you are non verbally saying….the truth is then out. And honestly, I am not the one who can’t handle it.
So, with that said…Friday night went something like this. “To be completely honest, I’m nervous about running in to my ex tonight. She hangs out in this town a lot.” I said, “Where are you guys going?” He told me the name of the bar. I then said, “I mean, are there other places to go?” No response. I then sent a picture of a storybook character I drew for my daughter. Two hours later…literally….two. I woke up to a text saying, “Hahaha. What a shit show this is.” I said, “Was she surprised??” He said “Of course.” Then he said, “Don’t expect me home tonight.” I said, “Why” he said “Because i want to party.” I said “where r ur parents? that is messed up.” He said, “They are leaving. I like drinking. I’m giving u a heads up.” I said “That’s stupid. I’d leave with them.” He said, “No.” At this point, I think anyone would be a flaming moron to assume that his ex was not out at the bar with him and/or meeting up with him. I am not saying that I didn’t want to trust him either. What I am saying is that the element in the tone of the text message (yes, there are undertones in everything) was oddly reminiscent of guilt that he has displayed before. It was as if he was speaking to me after he was accused of doing something wrong. So, the only thing I can deduce is that he did or was planning to do something that would make him feel guilty, and short of robbing a bank, his ex-girlfriend being at the establishment he was at would be my next and only other guess.
The night continues with us arguing our points, him ignoring mine, putting his phone on airplane mode so no calls or texts go through, and then randomly resurfacing three hours later only to say he is half stranded 40 minutes away waiting for a cab.
Upon arrival home he retreats in to his bedroom in my house, in the basement. I inform him I am locking the door because there was an issue with his car alarm going off randomly and I was uncomfortable spending the night upstairs with doors unlocked (access from outside in to the basement and up to my daughter and I). He told me that he would come upstairs. A few moments later I started having anxiety so I went in to the living room and watched TV until I fell asleep moments later. A few hours later I heard him get up and he went back downstairs.
I then went down there to begin the Spanish Inquisition.
What I learned is that he was not being truthful about two parts. The first is that at some point, he was with her by himself. The second is that, he intends to speak to her again. I am not sure the details as I am not psychic, but these were blatantly obvious.
The pain and anguish this is causing me is unnerving. I am now fearful that every time he has off and she has off (because of course they are both city school teachers) they are going to be meeting up to have these affairs. Because he was so honest with me in the beginning about how dishonest he was with his wife when he was making this girlfriend of his a mistress, I am now in tune with all of his sick displays of affection. My issue, Abby, is how do I silence this?
Or, do I silence it? Right now we are hanging on to a bit of hope in that everything will work out…or so I believe. But this need to control his every waking second of life and to know exactly where he is and what he is doing without feeling comfortable is overwhelming…and unhealthy to say the least….and high time for the nonsense to end.
Best,
Done.
Dear Mr. Grey,
I will no longer tolerate your in-sensitivities towards my feelings surrounding trust issues as you have done nothing but inform me and share with me honestly how dishonest you were with your wife, a woman you exchanged vows with. You have lied to me about your relationship and sexual behaviors with her, you have lied to me about your relationship and sexual behaviors with your ex and with other random girls. You will not paint me to be a fool as you did these women. If you cannot respect me and understand that what you are looking for is staring back at you in this moment, than I have nothing more to give and won’t waste anymore of either of our time trying to prove a point that has been decided for me prior to even attempting to state I have one.
However, if you are willing to meet me where I am at, and understand that this is a serious issue for me, I will be happy to curb my bitchy and condescending tones, be careful with how I treat you as you are no longer deserving of my crap and internally decide if I am willing to move on from this.
But as Walt Disney says, “always let your conscience be your guide.”
Best,
The one who got away….or stayed…ugh.