If you asked me what my most embarrassing moment was when I was 16, I would probably have nothing to say. If you asked me what my most embarrassing moment is at 32, I would say this:
Imagine you are arguing with your best friend, who used to be your pseudo-fuck buddy-who-thought-he-was-your-boyfriend (in his defense I may have agreed to be his girlfriend, but lets just skip that for another post) and the guy you are currently seeing is on his way to Bourbon Street for a bachelor party with his closest friends (by friends I mean alcohol, drugs, and sex). You a) cannot sleep; b) feel unsettled; c) have no more chocolate left. The only logical thing to do is to creep on facebook, right? RIGHT?
Wrong. Here is why. A few months ago, I fell asleep with my computer on my bed and when I rolled over it leaped on to the floor, screen first. So, there is this huge crack in it and sometimes, if it is not laying completely flat on a surface, the screen jumps around and does things to whatever program is open by itself because of how the screen cracked. It is annoying; however, I do not have time to get it fixed.
While creeping on facebook, I find Mr. Grey’s ex-wife. Wait, it gets better. I then find his mother. Anyway, my computer starts acting up, I realize I should not be stalking people at 4AM, and close my computer and decide to watch TV and stalk people on instagram on my phone. I know, I know, the moral of this story should be for me to get a referral to a sleep clinic, but wait till the end.
I finally fall asleep after I know that Mr. Grey is boarding at 5:45AM. Only to wake up at 8:50AM by my phone vibrating to let me know that there is an alert. I get excited it is Mr. Grey. No. It is the opposite of Mr. Grey. It is Mrs. Grey…as in Mother Grey. As in HOLY SHIT WHY DID SHE ACCEPT MY FRIEND REQUEST?! And, at WHAT POINT DID I FRIEND REQUEST HER.
Moral of the story: get my computer screen fixed. Everything else I am chalking up to insanity because Mr. Grey is ON BOURBON STREET for a BACHELOR party!!!!
As this happens, I start flipping out, naturally. My daughter thinks I have lost my goddamn mind. My friend thinks I am insane. And of course, I cannot unfriend her because that would be rude!!! It’s like she woke up, saw my face on her fucking phone and thought, oh hey, I met her twice, why not accept!
Why not, just why freakin not.
Elle: 0; Life: 4,555,977,859,222,457,326…
[3/10/2015]