There comes a time in your life when you will realize being alone…sucks. I mean, I am perfectly content with sitting in my own apartment (with my daughter of course), watching bad TV, eating snacks, curled under a blanket. However, at what point do I stand up and say, I deserve to be with someone!? I mean, shit. I am a human being and naturally thrive off of affection, regardless of how much I pretend to be the anti-christ towards love.
Without having magical powers to create a Prince to come sweep me off my feet while riding in to the sunset on his white stallion…I must revert back to the old world wide web to help me out. I feel like this is what most single people do when their lives are ordinarily consumed by work, single-parenting, and being bored. Almost like chat rooms from the early 2000’s…but for adults. Same amount of pedophiles and pretend bombshells, but with mandatory profile pictures and somewhat realistic bios.
Feeling at wits end with not having someone, the holidays quickly approaching, and full knowledge that my ex-husband is no longer with his younger prettier girlfriend…I started reviewing all of the hits my online dating profile accrued. An interesting and eclectic mix of men!…and two women? In this state, where desperation takes over, it is only natural to divide and conquer. My trick to see if the person has long term potential is to envision them meeting my family. My poor family. Over the last several months I have introduced them to two and a half men…neither of which made it past round one.
The first was my ex-boyfriend, whom they hated from the beginning. I am not sure if they believed he was the reason for my marriage ending (as the timeline gets a little shady) or because they knew he was up-to-no-good. I tried though, and dated him for almost 6 months before things got even too shady for me. My parents, traditional and slightly judgmental/old school, didn’t think it was appropriate for me to date while I was still married, despite my relationship having ended when I got pregnant four and a half years ago. To their defense, they only learned about the bullshit going on with my ex-husband and me recently…so I guess in their mind they didn’t know how bad it was to know how over everything I had been. Regardless, my ex-boyfriend was not their um, cup of tea…for a variety of reasons. Needless to say, I still worked hard at changing their opinion, which thankfully was set in stone…as it didn’t work out….shocking.
The half person that they were privy to learning about was Mr. Business. While they never met him…they heard an awful lot about him. See, this is my problem. I get uber excited that someone is even interested in me that I forget about that incubation period where you are still not yet sure where you stand with someone. So, obviously leaving out the part about how he shares custody of his dog with his ex-fiance and stays in those weekends to “bond” with an animal who is perfectly self-sufficient living on his own, and then compared the love he has for this dog and the dynamic between him and his ex-fiance to me and my ex-husband with our daughter….I shared with my parents a lot about his life. Mainly, the part about how his cousin used to be friends with my brother….and then with that came the ol’let me tell my aunt about you…to complicate the impending break up we will have when you realize that you, my friend, were in the Maybe category from the beginning.
The second person that they met is actually becoming a dear friend of mine. I feel like I was just utterly and totally desperate and needed to be with someone so badly because my ex-husband “found the GIRL of his dreams,” and I was all like “because the son of a bitch isn’t paying towards rent anymore and I am probably going to have to move home, the idea of a man who can actually take care of me financially is blissful….” consumed my emotions. While this person is physically attractive and I enjoy his company…he’s frankly, not really my type. As much as I tried to force it. The whole motorcycle riding, covered in rebel tattoos, ten year older, just finding his way emotionally thing…is not really my type. IF he had a little more confidence and didn’t sell himself short all the time, or over compensate by reminding me how much money he had…then who knows. But in the moment, this poor lass was also classified as in the Maybe category.
After just about three men down, I felt like it was time to further complicate the situation. While my parents met this next person, it was never implied that he and I were together on any level. He was always categorized as my “friend,” to everyone, including my ex-husband, my family, and my friends…other than my friend, who knows the entire story…down to almost how we met. Anyway – the complicating part about their meet-and-greet, is that my parents LOVED him. Like literally. My dad offered advice on how to “deal with me,” as we all know I can be a bitchy, overbearing human being. My mom felt “safe” now that I had someone in my life who could “take care of me.” I’m not sure if this is what turned me off so much or if it was the fact that everything was too accepting. I understand that I am a therapist… a social worker…a very nonjudgmental person. Someone that will love the right person unconditionally; however, with that said…does not mean that I will let my guard down for everyone just because I know how to. And just as easily as I started letting my walls down for him, I plastered them all back up after the most minor detail. See, I was upset…had enough of my pathetic divorce, enough of my financial woes, enough of my job, enough of everyone and everything. The beach was the only remedy. Ordinarily, going to my sanctuary alone was what I would typically do to cure these melodramatic feelings. But, Mr. Italian needed to come with me. He felt that he would be able to save me. I think that was the moment where I started to retreat. In all actuality I don’t want anyone to “save” me. I just want someone to validate and support me…which are two totally different things. I am a feminist at heart…and the whole damsel in distress thing is great and all, for Disney. I want you to recognize my life sucks, but then tell me to get my shit together kind of love. Is that contradicting? Yes….but is that who I am? Of course…and if he claimed to be so insightful and knowledgeable and could read me as well as he said he could…he would have let me go to the beach alone. But…because I second guess and over analyze to the point of destroying the thought all the time, I figured I didn’t want him to come because of my own shit, so ignored it, and when he was with me felt…nothing. Instant Maybe category.
Which brings me to the division of categories. Mr. Maybe consists of someone who you can bring around your family, your friends, and your co-workers. They have the personality that is publicly acceptable, knows how to say the right things, can uphold this image of boyfriend potential…but underneath the surface there is nothing. Behind the scenes you are still up at odd hours searching through weird profile pictures and magical storylines to find “the one”….or at least “the one for right now.” Mr. Maybe is a man who knows you enough to respect boundaries, but pushes them without understanding who you really are, and this is when they fuck up. They are usually overly sensitive or insightful people that present as really considerate or emotionally stable….however…they are typically smoke and mirrors. Being an extremely guarded person it is both comforting and terrifying knowing you are with another guarded person. Mr. Maybe is usually the type of person who is guarded, but so desperate for acceptance that the second they find a non-judgmental person, they set fire to their walls and melt their shit down faster than warranted. To an actual guarded person, this is scary as fuck! Because it provides this illusion that you are ready for long term shit and the idea of casually dating is obsolete. Not saying that with the right person this wouldn’t be dreamy and fantastic…but it’s too much for a Mr. Maybe.
Mr. Right (now?) is different. The overall feeling is different. It’s this warm tingly thing…butterflies when you kiss type shit. And not because the feeling is new or exciting, but because you are no longer in control of holding your walls steady. Because the second you see this person you know they can seriously damage you. That they are in control, whether you want them to be or not and that the idea of surrendering to it is scary but overly tempting. These are the type of people who make you feel bat shit crazy at times because of the power they have to hurt you. It’s almost like the pain that may come from the walls falling down and everything crumbling around you is worth the idea that it may all work out in the end. Scary…right? It’s unadulterated, can’t stop smiling, want to introduce him to everyone you know, share every minute detail of your life with, shit. It’s the person who you get nervous introducing your family to because if they don’t like them…then you will be left to decide…them or your family!
As I continued to dissect the profiles who contacted me…I couldn’t help but wonder if the Mr. Maybes were really Mr. Rights undercover. And then I realized that the “who is he” guy from my hometown commented on one of my pictures. Well, this is a pleasant little twist that I never saw coming. Ode to Mr. Maybe vs. Mr. Right, Now.
[1/7/2015]